Sunday Funday. That’s a phrase I hear often and even one I have used myself. I was cleaning out some books yesterday and found one that I had gotten to try to incorporate more Sunday Fundays when the kids were little. As I looked at it, I realized that I didn’t even open it up enough to bend the spine. Last night, I took everyone to a Smokies baseball game. I had the whole thing planned out. It was Christmas in July night, they were giving away snowglobes, you could make ornaments, all the fun. We got there late so didn’t get a snowglobe (mind you, late was still 45 minutes before first pitch), it poured the rain on us, we only saw 1.5 innings of baseball, and there were no fireworks.
I look at both of those things and realize how bummed out I got that it didn’t turn out perfectly for either one. I also look at the fact that we ended up trying a new restaurant and laughing a lot at the game. We did make ornaments, and now we can go today and watch a doubleheader because our tickets are honored for that game since it rained so much and we saw so little baseball.
It seems like we all put a lot of pressure on ourselves to have the perfect Sunday fundays or the perfect experiences for our families, especially when our kids are little. What I have realized throughout the years is that it wasn’t the big things that made the difference. Sure, my kids have loved the Disney trips, but they’ve also loved the impromptu picnics or cooking dinner at the firehall. The random trips to Chattanooga to go to the children’s museum and the random movie nights at the house. They’ve even enjoyed the nights we just didn’t do anything “special” besides have dinner together.
Why do we continue to put an immense amount of pressure on ourselves to do more and to do it perfectly? It almost never ends up going as planned and then it can cause a spiral into a place where we just don’t feel like anything we do is good enough for our family. The birthday parties aren’t big enough, the gifts aren’t extravagant enough, the trips aren’t special enough, when in actuality what makes it all special is the time we spend together and focusing on each other.
Sunday funday today is going to be a lot of baseball, but most Sundays it is a lot of rest. It’s eating together, going to the grocery store together, maybe watching a movie together or maybe everyone going their separate ways. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself for it to all look perfect and start enjoying the small mundane things that make up our lives. Instead of planning the perfect outing for the day, jump in the car, turn on a fun playlist and sing together or have a great conversation while you just drive.
Enjoy each other today, regardless of how that looks.
Comparison is a punk. It is the thief of joy, the happiness stealer, the confidence killer. It takes people that are doing great things and makes them feel not enough.
So why am I starting with that? It was part of my devotional readings this morning, and it just hit me out of nowhere that we are in the midst of the season of comparison. It is summer where I am, that means comparing your body to others, your tan to others, your boat to the boat across the lake, your choices of how to spend your free time with how others are spending their free time, your plans for your classroom that don’t feel like they are ever enough because you’ve seen someone else’s and those are amazing.
What really hit me this morning, though, is that not only does comparison do all of those things (and so many more), it also steals our gratitude. It gives us a constant need to look over our shoulder and see what everyone else is doing. It doesn’t allow for us to be content. What is interesting is that even with all of that, I think there is value to watching what is happening around us and being inspired by it.
You see, I don’t think being inspired by what others are doing is bad. I think it is the way that we allow our minds to interpret what we are seeing is bad. I think looking at what someone else has accomplished and using it to make ourselves feel inadequate is bad. There is a difference between being inspired to do something and beating ourselves up because we aren’t already doing it. Maybe it isn’t our time to do that yet. Maybe we need to learn more. Maybe we are spending so much time looking outward that we aren’t realizing what we are actually contributing to the world.
I am by no means a Bible scholar. I still look at the table of contents to find the books of the Bible, no matter how much my Sunday School teachers tried to get me to memorize them. I can’t quote Scripture off the top of my head, and I don’t want to get in heavy theological discussions because I feel like I don’t bring much to the table. All that aside, I realized this past week when talking to a potential colleague that I’m still contributing. Just like you can do anything else explicitly or implicitly, you can contribute to the world in that way, too. For me, I will never be the person that is leading the Bible studies or devotions. Most of the time I struggle to do my devotions without getting sidetracked. For the first time, I don’t feel like that is a bad thing. Maybe that is just my way. Perhaps, just like I am working on a book that gives “permission” to be the teacher you want to be, I also need to adopt that I can be the Christian that I want to be. My journey and relationship with God doesn’t have to look like everyone else’s. That doesn’t mean it isn’t just as important to me.
Perhaps the best way that we can be the person that God intended us to be is simply to be the person that feels right. Perhaps comparison really is stealing so many things from us, but most importantly time. Maybe comparison is stealing time that I could be spending being the person God wants me to be because I am too worried about being the person that I think is “right.” Maybe this is all too deep for a Sunday morning, but it is what just felt like it needed to come out of me today.
Does anyone else feel like you need to start every conversation with an apology? I mean, we all know that everyone is stretched beyond the limits we previously thought we had established as the most we could do, yet I still find myself starting conversations with a disclaimer or a pre-apology if I offend anyone. You know the kind. When we start off with things like, “Today sure has been a long week,” or, “I may be a little extra crabby today, so I’m sorry if I come across as mean.”
This is an interesting phenomenon, and it is one that has fascinated me forever. I have always been one of those people that says, “I’m sorry,” for every little thing yet has a hard time when it is a big thing. This concept of apologizing when it isn’t needed is strange, but fits in with the phenomenon of the pre-apology. So today I am asking the question. I truly want an answer, because I have some theories and I would love to see if any of them resonate with anyone else.
I was raised a good southern girl. I was taught manners by my mother, had them reinforced by my grandmother, and was ultimately sent to Charm School in high school. I know how to throw a party, set a table, carry on a conversation, present myself in public, etc. Along with that came a good amount of watching the people around me be hospitable to the point of walking on themselves before others could. I have seen people say sorry for the smallest things that they truly have no control over. I am absolutely guilty of doing this same thing, and have been guilty of it my whole life. I’m pretty sure it drives David nuts because I apologize for things like tonight when I discovered the power strip for the sound bar was turned off. I apologized for it, but he is the one that turned it off. What in the world am I actually saying sorry for when I didn’t have anything to do with the event? My theory on this one is that I am not apologizing for an actually occurrence, but instead I am apologizing that someone was inconvenienced or upset. It is an apology for feelings, not actions.
The pre-apology seems to be gaining ground lately, and I am watching it happen more and more around me. We are all stretched well beyond anything we are able to deal with, and tensions seem to be running at an all time high. I have also noticed that there seem to be 2 different things that happen with the pre-apology. 1 thing that I have seen happen is the person that gives the pre-apology really is over-tired or over-stressed and that person seems to be truly trying to be cordial and not snippy, but may or may not be succeeding. This type of pre-apologist I look at in much the same way as the apology for a feeling instead of an action. I don’t necessarily have a problem with what is happening, but am a little disturbed that we feel we have to start with a pre-apology. The other thing that I am seeing happen more and more often is when someone starts with a pre-apology, then continues on with words or actions that are deliberately harmful and hurtful to others under the premise of being stressed or tired. This type of pre-apology is one that I have a huge problem with and it seems to be happening more and more often as we get further into 2020.
Do you ever just wonder what happened to being kind to one another? When did it become more acceptable to give what I consider an empty pre-apology and then put people on blast? There are many arguments about what is contributing to this, and I’ll save those for another day. What I won’t save for another day is that I am tired of hateful. I am over spiteful. What happened to simple kindness? When did we forget that ALL of us are human, regardless of our different opinions?
Then there is the problem that I notice more and more in that we are able to do these small apologies all over the place for nothing, and we are also able to do the pre-apology. What we seem to have a hard time with is an actual meaningful apology for a serious wrong that has been committed either in word or action. Friendships are breaking up all over the place because words have been said and no one will come forward and acknowledge the wrong with an apology. I am not saying that everything can be fixed or even should be fixed with a simple apology, but I sure do see a ton of things that need apologies from multiple sides. When did we become people that will just pack our stuff and go home so we don’t have to see differing opinions? When did the common decency in disagreement turn into a battlefield?
I have watched friendships dissolve this week over an election. The latest thing I am seeing is an event on facebook to leave facebook for some other platform that promises to be uncensored freedom of speech. I don’t know about you, but after reading the things that have been written the past 6 months about politics, pandemics, education, and so many other things I don’t want to see what uncensored looks like.
So I have an idea. How about we stop apologizing when it isn’t really necessary and start apologizing when it is hard? What if we stopped apologizing because someone was mildly inconvenienced by something we had no control over and started apologizing for hurtful words that we said? What would happen if instead of dividing ourselves yet again so that we are surrounded by people that we agree with we decided to recognize humanity in those we don’t agree with and find common ground?
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe the world doesn’t feel like people are just mean to everyone else. I don’t know how we got here, or if I am the only person watching and feeling like a lost sheep in a pack of wolves. I compared the world the other day to middle school. That time during adolescence when children/tweenagers/teenagers/young adults are cruel in the ways that they treat each other and talk to each other. I want out of middle school. I want to have discussions where I don’t have to agree with the other person and we are still friends.
As someone who is a 2 on the Enneagram, an empathetic soul, and wants nothing more than peace, this world is giving me a headache. Even worse, it is breaking my heart. To those who I have hurt in the past, whether it was intentional or not, I am truly sorry. To those who feel they have no place to turn, come find me. We may not agree, but at the end of the day we can still be friends and have great conversations. And to those who just want to fight, argue, and speak nastiness to those who don’t agree with you, I’m truly sorry that you are so unhappy.
I let a couple weeks go by without a new post, but nothing felt right when I wrote it. You see, for all of my posts about taking care of yourself, I wasn’t taking care of me. I was just as weary and exhausted as ever, but still pushing to keep moving as fast as I could. In my mind, I needed to pick up all the pieces that I felt like were falling. I just happen to be one of those people that has great advice that I never listen to myself.
The truth is, I am still exhausted. In fact, I slept 13 hours last night because I had let myself get so tired. So if I’m exhausted, why do I feel better? I did some self-care this week, but maybe not in the way that is typically expected. This week, I was able to help with the competition at our gym (Mossy Creek Fitness) to benefit Tyler’s Voice. You can find more information about Tyler’s Voice here. It is a joke between the owners of the gym and myself that I am “scary organized” and since I have that quality, I love to offer my help when we have events. The competition was originally supposed to happen in May, but had to be postponed due to the pandemic. So my self-care this week just happened to have me busier than ever.
For me, the opportunity to spend some time organizing, creating to-do lists, making (and re-making) scoring sheets, and crunching numbers on a spreadsheet system with some of the most lovely people around. I even got the opportunity to figure out how to run a silent auction using Google forms. I know, this doesn’t sound like rest. In fact, I agree, it wasn’t rest. It was super hard work put in by a ton of people to have an amazing event.
I also got the opportunity to workout twice this week for the first time in months. I have been in PT working on some stuff in my back and hip, and super busy, so getting in 2 workouts this week was wonderful, although also hard mentally, but I’ll talk about that in my next blog post.
All of the activity this week has left me exhausted, but exhilarated. Tired, but energized. Sad, but excited. I finally realized that maybe my self-care can sometimes not be about sitting still, but instead be about the motivating factor behind my movement. I still think we all need to take a break.
I still think I need to take a break. I’m still dreaming about a long weekend away from everyone and everything with a fireplace, a hot tub, and a great view. But those forms of self-care may not necessarily fix it all. They would give me rest and help me heal physically. They would give me peace and quiet to work on my mental health. They would give me free time to work on my stress levels. The opportunity that I was given this week was the opportunity to work on who I am as a person. The opportunity to toss all the cynical feelings about all the things going on in the world went out the window when I got to see Tyler do such amazing things in the CrossFit Total. This week, amidst the chaos and hard work, I got to do some self-care to heal emotionally. The toll that none of us like to think about. The toll that happens when you are a natural caregiver. When you will gladly work yourself to death if it will make other people happy or take away a burden.
This week, I got to see our gym (with a ton of help from others) do Tyler’s Voice competition. I got to see people of all types working together on something. I got to work with people that I am so lucky to call friends, and have amazing conversations with people that inspire me. I also got to be affirmed by someone that I didn’t expect to be the person to give me affirmation.
So, you see, I am absolutely exhausted. I slept 13 hours and could quite honestly go back to bed. I’m on the couch in pajamas and pretty much planning to stay there for the day. But, I feel better than I did because I was able to give my talents to something bigger than myself for no reason other than wanting to help. Lots of people talk about filling the bucket and taking care of yourself. Getting enough rest, finding time alone, disconnecting from the world for a few minutes or longer, eating healthier, working out more, communing with nature, enjoying a good meal, etc. are all great ways to do self-care, and are all things we should try to do every once in a while. Don’t be afraid to do something that maybe makes you busier, and even a little more stressed for a moment, if it will also give you the opportunity to give of your talents and gifts freely. The work this weekend was something I took on freely, just wanting things to be organized (I may be a slight control freak), but the repayment I got from this weekend is something that will help me get through the next few weeks.
Yes, I am exhausted, but it is a different form of tired. It is one that is like being wrapped in a warm blanket. It’s a happy tired. I hope you can find a way this week to find your happy tired.
Weary, exhausted, tired, and worn out. These are all words I have heard in the past week from some of my students who are teachers. These aren’t the only thing I have heard, though. Disconnected, stressed, alone, anxious, overwhelmed, and spinning are also words that I have heard from these same students. Amazingly enough, not only are my students who are full-time teachers expressing these sentiments, my undergraduate students are using some of the same words and phrases.
I have lost count of how many times a student has been in my office in the past week worried about a family member, or how many teachers I have talked with that are concerned about the lack of engagement in their classrooms. A small group of us had a conversation the other day about it feeling like our students aren’t really “awake” for what is going on in class, even when they are right in front of us and doing an activity.
It would be easy to throw a Bible verse out there during these conversations. Matthew 11:28 comes to mind as one that may typically be said to someone with these feelings. I mean, I do work at a Christian university, so that would be a perfectly acceptable response to my students and colleagues.
Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
I just don’t have the heart to give that as a response right now, though. I still believe it, but right now I don’t even know that we can find the rest He gives because of all the other “stuff” and all the noise coming at us from every direction. I think He is trying to give us rest, I really do. Man, it sure is hard to stop and listen, though.
I started this semester with huge hopes, big goals, and a ton of thoughts about how this one would be different. This semester was going to be the one where I stayed on top of grading, thought more out of the box (I mean, we are all still teaching in a pandemic, so out of the box has to happen, right), and even managed to plan ahead more in an attempt to work less when I am at home. We are now 5 weeks in, and instead of those thoughts towards greatness and student engagement, I am starting to have the same feelings my students are having.
So, how is it that my own children in middle and high school, my undergraduate students, my graduate students who are also full time teachers, my doctoral students that I am still advising, and my colleagues are all saying and feeling the same things? There has to be a way to stop this, right? There has to be a way for us to all start to feel like we are on the other side of this thing and we finally have it figured out. Oh, how I wish that was what this blog post is about. I wish with all my heart and all my soul that I had the secret for us all that would make this year be everything we had hoped for when we were all so excited to see our students and colleagues again.
If only that was what I was here to tell you
So no, I don’t have the answer that will make everything right again. I honestly am struggling just as much as everyone else. And while I can’t make it all go back to “normal,” I can give you a couple of ideas that should help things feel a little better.
So, here it is, my list to take a little bit of the edge off of this crazy year, whether you are a student or a teacher, or both.
1. Schedule some time each week (at least each week, but it would be great if you can find something each day) for some self-care. This doesn’t have to be something huge, maybe it is 15 minutes outside drinking coffee in the morning before everything gets rolling. Perhaps it is a short yoga flow (I kind of like Yoga with Adrienne on YouTube for short yoga stuff, but I’m not very bendy) or a workout (I like to lift the things – can’t right now due to a back issue but, if that works for you, own it). Perhaps it is 30 minutes before bed with a good book, some music, or even practicing your own instrument. It can be any number of things, just spend some time that is solely yours. I know this is hard, but it will absolutely change your day, that I can promise.
2. Eat somewhere other than your desk. I set a goal to stop eating lunch at my desk about 3 weeks ago. Some days it has been a quick 15 minutes with a co-worker at a table in my office, but I have managed to not eat lunch staring at my computer screen in my office. I have even had some working lunches, but always away from my desk. If you can get out with a good friend or co-worker and actually leave your job for a few every now and then, that is even better. I have a co-worker who is my person at work. When either of us are overwhelmed, all it takes is a text that says Queso date and we immediately find a day within the next week to do lunch at our favorite local Mexican restaurant. It is nice to be around someone who isn’t depending upon you for anything other than nice conversation.
3. Give yourself some grace. This may be the most important of the three things. We all had expectations for what September of 2020 was going to look like, and I am betting it doesn’t look like any of our expectations. I’m pretty sure no one got it right in 2015 when they were asked where do you see yourself in 5 years. There are things in this world that we cannot control. Trust me, as an admitted control freak, I get that this is throwing us for a loop. It is ok that we maybe haven’t hit every goal we set for the week or checked everything off the to-do list for the day. For most of us, the work can, and maybe even should, wait until tomorrow. Unless you are putting off some life saving emergent procedure, cut yourself some slack.
For many of us, our energy banks are depleted, ideas are slowing down, circumstances seem overwhelming, and the world seems to be closing in around our heads. I “gently reminded” a co-worker today that she is no good to anyone if she isn’t taking care of herself.
This isn’t my normal thing to write about, and I promise to get back to good old sarcasm and crazy educational stuff next time. I just felt like maybe this needed to be said tonight more than anything else I could say to you.
So, until next time: ~Remember that everyone is trying their best ~Give yourself and others grace ~Choose joy in the morning when you start the day, it won’t keep crap from coming throughout the day but it will help you deal with the crap that happens.
So, my job is titled Graduate Advising Coordinator. When people ask what I do, it is always a little hard to really put it into words, but I decided today, while I am in the thick of it, I would give you a glimpse into what my days entail.
It seems like there are different seasons to my job every semester. Right now is the beginning of advising season. That means that for the next 6 weeks, I will spend all day everyday meeting with our graduate students and doing their advising sessions. These happen over the phone, online, in my office, and through email, so I am pretty much at my desk for everything but meetings for 6 weeks. I am in charge of advising for 10 different graduate education programs and have around 650 actively enrolled advisees. I also work with the readmission process for those that took a break in the midst of their program, advise and register the new students that are being accepted, and spend a good chunk of time helping with our processes and tracking things. That seems like a lot of really boring desk work to most people (me included) and that is why I say it is so hard to put into words what I do everyday.
The conversations that I get to have with our graduate students are inspiring. Sometimes my job is to be their shoulder to cry on. Sometimes it is to be the one to tell them to get focused and get it done. I get the privilege of sharing in their successes and being a confidant for many when life is hard. That doesn’t really fit well in a job description. Since most of my students are online students, I don’t get that many that come in my office on a daily basis. Kinda seems like it would be lonely, doesn’t it? Luckily that void is filled with undergraduate students that need a place to hang out or unload about what is going on in their life.
I’ll let you in on a secret … the thing that I loved most about teaching were the relationships I made with my students and helping them more than they thought they were capable of becoming. Fortunately for me, that is now what I do all day every day. I’m not a counselor, just a shoulder to cry on. I’m not their mom, but I will share my life experiences with them. I’m not the one with all the answers, but I will help you figure out some possibilities.
A lot of people would look at my job from the outside and say that I spend all my time with spreadsheets and emails. I prefer to look at it from this side and realize that I really spend my time with people. People that may share some of the same characteristics, but who are unique individuals that are working towards a goal. It isn’t a job that you will hear much about, and it isn’t a job that you hear children say they want to be when they grow up, but it is my job and I am thankful for it.
Sometimes it isn’t easy to take the time to do something for someone else. It isn’t that we don’t want to help others, but we are busy. There are a million things on our plates, the stress level is high, the caffeine level is low (this can’t just be a thing that happens to me), the patience is worn thin, we are tired, we don’t feel good, we just want to be left alone, or we just aren’t in the mood. Remember, showing that you care doesn’t take a long time. Sometimes it can just be a simple email or text of encouragement.
Beautiful Minds Inspire Others 