If you know me, you know I am a slight control freak. By slight, I actually mean living in a constant state of having a totally over the top need to know exactly what is going on, how it is happening, when it is happening, what the next step is, who is going to be there, etc. I don’t really like when plans change (shocker), and I am not a huge fan of the unknown. Somehow, all of those things that I hate managed to happen this week. B was invited to a huge Jr. Young Leaders Conference this summer, which is great. The not great part of it is that it is almost 9 hours away form home. I decided, about a month and a half ago, that instead of driving back and forth so much, I would get an apartment on AirBnB and David, Alyssa and I could come up and spend the week. Of course, plans didn’t work out the way I had them set up. David had meetings he couldn’t move, Alyssa got her wisdom teeth out, and when they released the schedule for B, he had to be there earlier than we thought. After thinking through all of that, I ended up in an apartment 9 hours away from home by myself.
As much as I enjoy having some time to myself, this, plus a few other things seems to have thrown me into a tailspin this week. I never really thought of myself as having anxiety, but last weekend it has practically paralyzed me. I cried all weekend. I managed to be ok for most of the drive, but then we hit traffic. It was at the point that we hit nasty traffic that I truly began to realize how much anxiety I was having. I got B dropped off, then made my way back to the apartment I had rented for the week. Keeping in mind that I was tired, and starving, the actuality of bursting into tears when I even thought of having to go find some food happened quickly. I finally got it together enough to go to a grocery store about a block and a half away, and managed to get food to last me through the week. That was Sunday night, and I didn’t leave the apartment again (other than to go downstairs to the Starbucks on Monday morning) until Wednesday.
So why am I telling all this on my blog? First off, to dispel the myth that I have it all together. For the past few years, I have had people say things like, “I don’t know how you do it all” and “You manage to balance everything, how do you keep everything together,” but in actuality, I don’t have it all together.
It’s also been hard to navigate being off my normal schedule while I am also trying to deal with the anxiety. Without workouts with my Mossy Creek Fitness family to burn off steam, and without my family around to distract me, I have actually had to face the anxiety as it hit. Thankfully, I had some great help. With lots of talks with my husband, lots of soul-searching and journaling, and a great visit with my cousin, I managed to get out of the apartment yesterday. We went to Arlington, and had a great time!!
So, while it hasn’t quite been the week I had planned, it has definitely been a week that I will end up celebrating. I managed to work through some things, and figured out some ways that I can work through things in the future. I also learned a lot about myself.
- I am definitely a small town, southern girl.
- Big cities are nice for vacation, but I miss my mountains and cows.
- I like to go on vacation, but not by myself.
- I like alone time, but not this much alone time. I love the time I have been spending on my back deck this summer, but I also love being able to go inside and spend time with my family.
- I do not do well when I skip devotions. I have never been someone that set aside my time for God. In fact, I have tried to do that in the past few years, only to get bored, or feel like I am not doing it correctly (that’s a topic for a whole other blog post). Since I have been setting aside time for devotions this summer, I have really begun to look forward to that time each day. I missed my time on Saturday, and on Sunday, but when I made time on Monday, it made a huge difference in my day.
I am definitely ready to be home, and I can’t wait to hit the road tomorrow. I am even more excited that I get to spend the next week on vacation with David, the kids, and my parents! There might even be some mountains involved.